Maybe I Never Understand What True Love Is...

Lately I've been reading a blog that was found online by coincidence and it really touched my heart. I really like her words...

The title of her Blog is "A Taipei Girl in Shanghai". She moved to Shanghai with her husband, and start her lonely housewife life in Shanghai. Her writing is quite beauftiful. And I found she's very observant, and some of her words really touch my heart.

Some said in some ways I am her, well, in the same situation. That's why I like her diary a lot. Maybe yes. Anyway, I am now a new little fan to her! I really wanna encourage her to publish her own book as she is a talent writer, but I found she's quite shy to the unfamiliar readers online from the previous message dialogues. So I decided to hide my feelings to her and be a "silent reader" and simply enjoy whatever she wrote.

I was quite touched while I was reading the interaction between her and her parents-in-law. I feel she's a person surrounded with love and she knows how to give and take as well. That way she express her feelings to the people around her is called "True Love" I think. That touching images she described illustrated a beautiful scenes that have never been showed up in my life... I am sure I've never been there.

Suddenly I felt quite lost and sad. I can't help wonder "Maybe I never understand what true love is..." Coz I grew up in a family and enviroment never giving and taking love. We never talk about love. Never know how does true love could be realized and interacted in daily life. Never know how to express love. This is sad, I even don't know how to cherish someone and tell him or her "I love you". Maybe I've never been in true love, and maybe all my past relationships are all just illusions through the years.

God, I wish I understand what true love is. Please let me know what does it feel like? Please give me the power to love and be loved, and know how to express them through you....

愛的十一分鐘 / 保羅柯賀。11 Minutes / Paulo Coelho

昨天夜裡在誠品看到了保羅柯賀的新書～「愛的十一分鐘」，讀到裡面的幾句話，似乎某個程度與我現在的心情相當接近、、、
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出生到現在，我一直將愛當作是一種自願奴役的行為。那是騙人的話：愛出現的時候，自由才會跟著存在。能完全奉獻出自己的人，感覺最自由的人，才是能夠全心愛到最高點的人。

能夠愛到最高點的人，才有辦法感到自由自在。正因如此，無論我體驗到什麼，做了什麼，或學到什麼，全部都沒有道理。我希望這段時間能快快過去，讓我重新開始尋找自己。找尋一個能瞭解我，不會傷害我的男人。

但是我真正想講的是什麼？心中有愛時，沒有人能傷害到任何人，我們每一個人對自己的七情六慾都要負責，無法因自己的感受而怪罪他人。

我愛過幾個男人，每失去一個男友，都讓我心痛。然而我現在深信，沒有人能失去任何人，因為沒有人能擁有任何人。

真正的自由體驗就是如此：擁有卻不佔有天下最重要的東西。

Tonight I read Paulo Coehlo's latest novel "11 minutes", there are some lines do touched my heart and I feel it reflects what I am thinking partially....

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Since I was born, I always thought that love is a voluntary slaving, which is a lie: When there is love, the freedom will come along with. The person who can devote totally, feel free most, is the one who can love to the top.

The one who loves to the top, can enjoy the freedom most. For that reason, no matter what I experienced, what I’ve done or what I learned, all nonsense. I hope this period of time will pass soon then I will restart to find myself. To find a man who understand me and would not hurt me.

But what I really wanna say? When there is love in heart, no one hurts anyone, we have to be responsible for our own feelings, and can’t blame on the others for our own feelings.

I’ve been in love with a few men, every time I lost my boy friend that breaks my heart. However now I believe, no one can really lose someone for no one never owns anyone.

The truly freedom experience is just like that: you do not own the most important thing of the world.

Trust is not what you say but what you do

Today there is a report from newspaper that a famous female movie star once was angry and flight with his movie star boy friend for his affairs with other actresses.

“Why don’t you trust me anymore? Why do you believe those paparazzi?” He asked.

“Trust is not saying by month! If you are approaching the other actresses with a clear, firmed and decent attitude, it will be my fault for not trusting you. But if you want me to trust you, just show you are worthy to trust!” She answered.

So, indeed, the real trust is not just words but the actual actions.

Good Intention Connects People

“Good intentions” is the most important factor to connect friends and lovers together. If there is not, then just walk out the relationship happily.

Our relationship is over, coz I don’t feel there is any good intention back from you. We both have the new people to meet and new life to go on. Nothing to regret or be pity for. Here just let me say thank you and goodbye with my best wishes for all the happiness and pain you've brought to me. They shall be parts of my life forever.

All my life is want to be a housewife

Whenever I told friends “All my life is to be a housewife.” And life just doesn’t lead me to that position. Seems no one believes it.

I had lunch with Leslie today and I told her this idea and she just can’t help to laugh and said “You don’t look like at all!” Ok, I had enough that klinda laugh.
“I do! Just check all my diaries from very little kid to now! I always wanna get married and be a decent housewife to take care the family all the time! It’s the biggest dream in my entire life! So that’s why I scare men away every time coz they all sense that while we’re just dating in starting few days!” I started to explain.
“You just look like a super career woman!” Leslie said.
”I know! That’s the problem! I always attract the wrong guys! They thought I should be very tough and independent in my career and it turns out I am such a little woman who wants nothing but get married and to be a housewife! So my appearance doesn’t really tell, does it?” I said.
“Alright! Alright!” She keeps laughing, and said.

After she knew that my boss gonna detach my department as an independent-run sub company which means I gonna be a “boss” in some way. She just reacted as everyone else and said “Congratulations!” Who knows I feel more frustrated and feel that my biggest dream is a bit far away more. All I just can say what you want more in life is always more far away from you.

But Leslie, in the end, brought up a very good idea to me. I told her:
“You know what’s my most idea life? I dream to be a housewife to take care of family and if I have the extra time from it, I really would devote myself to write columns and books. And you know one of my biggest dreams is to write a book in English! How nice it would be if I could do that!”
“Yeah, and I believe you will, honey. And when the day comes, you are just retired from some kinda position like a CEO of multiple-national company. Then you write a book with the title ‘All My Life is Want to Be a Housewife!’, that gonna make the greatest hit and be the best seller ever! See how big the contrast it is!” Leslie said and laughed.
I can’t help to laugh too now and replied “Yeah! And subtitle with ‘With the heart of a housewife to run business’ which gonna make a big hit in business book category!”

We just laughed and laughed even after we walked out the restaurant on the way back to office, this idea is hilarious but also definitely a brilliant one! I love this idea! Thanks to Leslie, it’s a goal ahead anyway. I like working with a goal and dream ahead! Ha ha!

Be Happy to Get Older

I met Hope, my very good old college classmate who’s far away in Holland online tonight.

We haven’t talked like this for a long time, thanks to the hi-tech nowadays. Just randomly talked about everything, what’s up here in Taipei and Holland both sides. When we talked about one old school classmate got married and another old classmate’s old story came along. I told Hope we broke up for years and she was surprised as all the other old friends since her and I were the best friends ever for known in the class. I don’t wanna explain to much about the details of the story and all I said is “I finally learn to choose friends after being hurt many times, I am just so afraid to get hurt again.” I have this realization all thanks to Anita.

Hope said she was shame that she seldom contact old classmates in Taiwan. I replied “Of course you can’t coz you’re in Holland, don’t blame that on yourself.” But she answered “No, coz I know not everyone could be your friend and not everyone you can talk through things and trustable.” What an answer! Just the right answer to my decision now! I told her “I should learn it from you coz I never know how to protect myself and always trust in people and now there are scars all over my body everywhere and now I learn!” Hope said she’s luckily she has never been hurt badly as I have. She realized it early so she doesn’t get hurt. I am almost 30 and now I learn it. I know how to choose friends and evaluate friends into different levels so I would not trust everyone with the same faith which helps me to avoid getting hurt in some way somehow. It’s like exams to friends to test if they really have good intentions to be true friends, you have to exam it again and again all the time and renew the records. And it really takes time, coz trust is so hard to build up but it could be ruined in any second. It’s like the nails on the fence even you remove all of them, the marks stay there still forever.

I told Hope recently I suddenly realized how angry I am that I really waste 2 years on this unworthy man. I told Amber too and she answered “but you have to admit not because of him, you would not learn so much and change instantly instead.” Yes, she is absolutely right. Hope answered me that “but the same time you can’t deny that you had a great time too.” She explained “There is a Dutch slang called ‘Be Happy to Get Older’, now I tend to keep that way.” Yes, I should really learn from Hope, we all have to learn to think positive, forget the unhappy things for life goes on. Just let go of yourself and be happy to get older!

Tonight, I do learn…

Being sick all the time

So many people are getting cold these days, and I try so hard not to get involved but always be involving.

They said the flu is nothing to do with the weather getting cold or not, it’s because people tend to close windows when the weather is getting cold so the virus keep circulating indoors.

I slept and slept over the weekend, finally got better but when it comes to be in office on Monday morning, I just got the flu again and feel so awful. I really hate to get sick, not because the physical uncomfort but the mental effected that keeps me thinking passive.

I told Amber how depressed I am, and all the bad thoughts in my mind. Amber said coz you’re sick so you becomes so passive, when you get better then you won’t think that way. So just temperately lar! “You will be fine!” Amber said.

Up and Down

"Suddenly I really feel that I need the your protection so badly.

The person you cares more,
Be treated more carefully,
And in the end you even can’t keep one little kiss from him.

I don’t wanna be up and down in relationship either.
Anyway, everyone ends up with loneliness.
Your happiness becomes my painful load.
Leaving you alone will be a help?

I don’t wanna be up and down in relationship either.
Anyway every relationship ends with loneliness.
And now the relationship between us becomes a heavy load.
It’s all because I am craving for your protection too much.”

"I don't want to be like that either"……… Song by Faye Wong

Forget Who I Am

“Sometimes I really wanna get drunk,
And get away from the annoyed affairs.
Let my desire flies with wind.

Just forget who I am.

It’s so sad that there’s no one loves you as being a woman.
Even there are people who are touched by my singing.
I still wish there is someone who really loves me.

Who cares who I am?”

...... song by Sandy Lam

If what you want is so easy to get, then you might not cherish it I think! Sigh!

What We Want for Life is Too Different

I can hear the sounds that my heart breaks, that is good for me. It breaks all my dreams and ideal illusions to him, and I see the truth and cruelness of the real world. No more fairy tales. There are only new responsibilities and loads on way to life waiting for you continuously.

I went to a press conference with Amber who exchanged her name card to a guy from Fareastone the other night. Amber showed me his name card I recognized instantly that it is designed by him. It is very creative and neat as I thought, totally his style. I can’t help to say “He is really talented.” in the bottom of my heart at once when I saw the card. Suddenly there is another voice from my conscious said “It is the truly right to leave him.”

I suddenly realized what we want for life is so so different. He is such a talented person and there is a glorious and extraordinary future lying in front of him. And I am simply a very ordinary person in this big big world. I am sure he deserves to have a fancy social life and endless romances with different women all the time and he enjoys it so much. I am not as shining as he is, and all my life is want to be a plain and ordinary housewife to be with someone I can trust and be company with for the rest of my life.

A Super Normal Person in Life

Being sick is really bad. For a person like me hard to be sick, I thought physical pain could be very bad then another side of “thinking-too-much” me feel much worse from the mental pain and insecure. At the same time I face the series challenge from my career and I have to hold it through. Recently I start to think seriously, I wanna be a “super normal person” in my short life without fame and fortune. Nothing is more practical than this wish in the world! In the end of 2004, this is my very best goal!

Our Story Ends Here

One day I browse through a webpage and I feel so the same in heart. It says:

“The greatest thing a woman could done is to wait for a man,
And a man can’t afford most is there is a woman waiting for him all the time.
No one has the obligation to wait for anyone. Maybe you miss this moment, you miss your possible life forever.”

I decided to send it to the New York guy. And our story ends here.

Hard to Be A Manager

It is so hard to lead your team members.

I wonder who would like to be a manager with nature-borned capability. I feel so helpless and inadequant. I really hate to interfere the people who are working under my department, I have tons of things to do myself and still need to listen to you and explain to you all the time. So annoyed! I really would like to live with burden and just be as simple and normal as life could be. Hard to live on earth, that always has to go on or just die!

Just like what Kai-lien Chou, the CEO of Yahoo Taiwan said “We are really nothing but with a better paid job!” And be paid to handle these annoyed things! It’s just equal, we really don’t get much more if you compare the time we involve in works. We are all as normal as everyone in the world who ask for nothing but happiness in our short lives… But yes, we are much more experienced and sophisticated in our lives than the others at the same time!

No More Long-Haul Flights!

I found to be in a long-haul flight is a terrible thing, coz I keep on dragging the sad memories. Friends always remind me that whenever I got the feeling to dwelling on the sad memories again just simply do something else and distract your mindset. Believe me, I really tried very hard to distract myself but you just can’t do much things when you’re sitting in the tiny ecomonic seat during flights! And more, it is a long-haul flight on this trip! Luckily I won’t be traveling by flights in short again, please just let me go! Oh….. what a memory…… :(

The person I don't wanna see again in the rest of my life

I thought I will hear the explanation from you, but guess I will never hear it anymore forever. Coz you are the person that I don't wanna see again in the rest of my life most.

Time is Everything

Once I asked Steve “Would you keep your promise? Coz sometimes you just can’t keep your promise to me.” And he answered “I will, it’s just the matter of time.” At the same time, he already lost all my trust to him.

Now there is another guy from New York constantly promised me but let me down again and again. I can’t help wonder what my “half New Yorker friend”, Karen told me “The New Yorkers do not always mean as what they say.” Is that really true?

After been through so many in my short life so far, now I will say “Time is everything.” Sometimes the good intentions turn into bad ones because of time. We have seem too many examples in lives all over the world that time changes everything. And it’s all the matter of time. Chinese said things go right always with “the right time, right place, and right people” I wonder why our wise ancestors put “TIME” in the very first place of this old slang, coz it really means something.

I am so afraid to get hurt again. I really wanna believe in people, and give others another shot of chance, but I just don’t wanna get hurt anymore. I really need to learn to close my heart in proper time. It will be very hard for me coz I am so easy to trust people through the years with the faith of my family education’s immortals “Rather to be betrayed by people than to betray people.” I gotta learn it, and I have to learn it. Coz I just can’t afford the sleepless nights and heart-breaking aching anymore…. After all, God knows I have so limited “spring time” ahead?!

In Las Vegas Now!

I am Las Vegas Now!

Can't believe we are finally here after 13 hours' flight... the first wlecome in the Las Vegas airport is not just casino, slot machines(How weird! Never been to an airport that welcomes you with rows of slot machines! So funny!), but also the Luggage lost and found counter. Yes, we lost our luggages and we saw them in the airport of Los Ageles a few hours ago.

We drag the our tiring bodies and souls to the hotel and waiting for the good news from the airline company, we should go out and take a peek of Las Vegas' famous night life but we stuck in the hotel for we have nothing to change but stinking wears. And in the midnight we have been waking up constantly bu the phone calls from Taiwan, and also one call from the hotel counter to informed us that our luggages are found. I rushed downstairs and get my precious luggages. Well, it's better than never found it!

And today, Las Vegas did make it up to us!!! I was so touched to watch the Musical fontain of Bellaggio, it's so beyond words to describe it! We watch it at least 5 times' show with different songs, the light, sound and everything, just let us cry instantly. So so amazingly beautiful, I can't believe I can see such a beautiful masterepiece to see this show. It must be the one and the best thing of all in the world!

And the show "O" of Cirque du Soleil in Bellaggio, it's amazing touching again! Although it cost 150$ for each, but it's definitely worthy! I never saw such amazing, gorgeous and brilliant show ever in my life! All the proformance, the proformers, the stage, light, sound, costume, design and everything is just signifigant!

Anyway, Las Vegas just gave us the best first day welcome and surprise we deserve. So 4 more days to go! Wish us luck! :D

Everyday is The Last Day of Your Life

Last night I saw a movie "Life or Something Like It" by Angelina Jolie and Edward Burns. The story is simple and cliche, but there are some lines just touched my heart at the right time.

I like the part when Angelina Jolie interview with Debra, a successful journalist. She asked her "Is it worthy? To give up so much for the successful career, for example to give up your fiance?" She made Debra cried instantly and Debra said "It's the best time of my life to be with him." Angelina replied "I take this job here to New York all the way from Seattle just wanna make somebody to think that I am a special person." Debra answered "Oh sweetie, the only person have to think you're special is yourself.... in your career and your life, just gotta to be yourself."

After been through all of this, Angelina found the true meanings of life. She said to herself for living better, "Everyday is the last day of your life. Yes, who says no?" I wonder if I live on this kinda faith, I will must be very happy everyday! Yes, I should, why not?

The Classic Words from the Bible...

It was nice to talk to Matilda this evening. I really think she is the little angel for me sent from God :D

There is a lot of “Timeless classic” sentences from the Bible that be forgotten and she bring them all up. I told Kelsey today that all the memory just came back to me this weekend, and I suddenly even have an extremely negative thought that I think “It’s all my fault, that because I am still in love with him which brings the pain and sorrow for all of us.” Kelsey really thinks that I am too silly to think so and giving too much all the time in love. I even hate myself to have this kind of awful thought. I constantly tell myself, to love someone is not a quilt at all. And there is nothing wrong to love someone at all! Matilda reminded me “你沒有錯，愛也沒有錯，犯錯的人最後會付出代價的，你要慶幸你還沒有結婚就發現了這些真相，應該要感恩。” And she also said “沒有基本自制能力的人不配得到別人真正的愛，他們在一起，不見得不是個災難的開始，你要慶幸你躲過了。” Yes, yes, yes! I do think that way all the time! Luckily it takes me 2 years before marriage to see through these people! And my favorite line from her is “愛是不作害羞的事，愛是永不止息。我想他們都不懂得愛，幸福是給懂得愛的人。”

She also shared her experience to wait for the true love patiently and God will give you the right person in the right time. “艷麗的女子何奇多，唯有才德的女子配得稱頌，他的丈夫心裡倚靠她，她的丈夫坐在城門口得榮耀。” from the 箴言 of Bible. Matilda said “我在等待的這段期間，上帝要我自己先預備好，成為蒙上帝和丈夫都喜悅的女子。祂讓我明白自己的價值，不是建立在那不懂得他愛我的男人身上。一定會有一個男人是為你而有的，而你就是他才德的婦人，當他遇見你時，他就知道他這輩子將永遠在心靈上倚靠你，其他的女人都不在令他眷顧。” I really think I am not that kind of girl who wants to waste my time on playing the games of love. It’s not fun at all. As Tom Wang 王文華 said “這是一個太強調天才和明星的時代，太少談教條和紀律。然而世界上大部分的人都是努力走過來的。愛情也是一樣，因為有紀律所以不亂談戀愛。” He also emphasized “談戀愛很難，但是不談戀愛更難。好的愛情應該是像看了部長篇電影，讓你一輩子印象鮮明；而不是在電視第四台前，遙控器轉來轉去的愛情，到了最後談了什麼戀愛連你自己都沒有印象。愛情應該是從一而終，但在「從一而終」裡找到千變萬化。” I Can’t help wonder the touching story I’ve heard “死了一百次的貓”. The cat doesn’t feel a thing that she lived for 99 times, but the only one time she cares is she really loved someone and died without regret.

In the end of our talk, I also give Matilda some feedback that to be more aggressive. I said “東海大學社會系的系主任彭懷真說「上帝要賜給你，你至少也要把自己放機會裡，他也要找機會賜給你啊！」不是坐在那裡乾等囉！” She just worried I will fall for another relationship very soon coz she doesn’t think it’s a good way to do so. I just told her I will leave it to god. I don’t fall on propose, it’s all the arrangement by God, and I truly believe so. After all these pain, I just learn to be extra careful to face any kind of relationship from now on. Never give your heart away too easily and never hurt others, and vice versa hurt yourself too easily. People learn, and we are getting maturer and wiser not just older, right?

I Love My Weekend!

沒有你，歡樂少一點，痛苦少更多。
沒有你，黑夜比白天更長，回憶比未來計畫更多。

Without you, joy less, but pain less more.

Without you, the nights are longer than days, but the memories are more than the future plans.

I also wonder how much you lost without me.
To have such a wonderful weekend like this one!

I really love the Ballet Dancing program in National Opera House by Zurich Ballet Goldberg Variations on Saturday night. Whitney invited me to join with her, what a wonderful pleasure to watch it in present! The performance is excellent, I haven't seem such a brilliant show for sometime! Very beautiful ballet dancing and very touching by its art and lighting design too. Especially the tickets we got are the seat 1 and 2 of the ROW I.... at first we were very shock "What kind of tickets is that?! No kidding!" But we can't complain too much for its free and we were even making fun before the show started that we will be kicked and be heat by the ballet shoes from the dancers. I tried to comfort Whitney "Hey! Don' be sad! These seats are only reserved for the president and the prime minister, so it's a pleasure to sit here!" But as the curtain up, we both were all shock by the scene we saw, it was just like a masterpiece of photography. The set, arrangement of dancers, the colors, the way they moved... is like a super surreal painting, amazingly beautiful. The applause from the audience after the show last over 10 minutes, it's really touching... definitely worthy to watch it again if by any chance!

And it's wonderful I finally buy my own hat, gloves and boots for professional riding today. It should be my 2nd official horse riding lesson today, and I got the tempo of riding horse soon. In the end of lesson, the instructor even let me to ride alone without his guiding! So exciting and happy! He also gave me compliments that I am a very good student that learn very fast! I really got a great sense of achievement! How happy and confident I am today! And that happiness does last a while, but no one is with me, and how I wanna share it to someone! Well, well, same old problem again. As I said to myself "If there is no decent one, I'd rather to enjoy my life alone". So if this is my destiny to be alone, then I have to get use to it.

I can't help wonder today, even you have a partner, there is a lot of time you have to face alone. So don't just dream the positive side with a partner, but also think of positive side WITHOUT a partner, so free and careless just like today! Just do whatever I love to! :D