Someone

There is always someone in your heart, though he is far away from your daily life long ago....

BUT, "someone" just sent me a message this morning via facebook accenditly.

"I know you will not reply my message and I just wanna apologize for my rudeness to you. I wish you gong xi fa cai and happy new year." He wrote. I read it while I was still lying on bed.

The first question came to my mind is "If you obviously know that I am not going to replying, why bother to write?" I was kinda angry at the beginning.

"You should simply get out of my life! Never ever show in my life again! You know how hard it is for me to forget you? You just ruin all that! You should simply stay rude and cruel to me as always, so I will never think of you again! I hate you!" I shout to myself at heart. Then soon I can't help and started to cry, and cry out loud in my bed....

I remember I bought a magazine with feature story of motorcycle during my trip to Shanghai last month, though I thought I will never contact him for the rest of my life, but after all, I still bought the magazine, for I know how much he love motorcycles. And I thought I might send him by post when I am back to Taipei. Though I told myself over one thousand time "No no no no no! How can you do that? You should stop being nice to him!" I have to admit his message makes me think it again if I should send it to him, but the answer is still.... "NO". Our story should really ends up here. It's endless torture, I had enough the humiliation he gave me.... I should really stop here. "No more, please don't hurt yourself anymore!" I told myself.

I cried not because I am still in love with him or missing him but cannot meet him again. I cried because I am such a miserable woman that there is one really loves me in my short life so far, no one wants me to be with him no matter how, hold me in his arm, swear to protect me, against odds, stick it to the end. Why the one I love always cannot be with me and have a family together?

Maybe I should give up the idea I will really meet someone for me and we will get married kinda things as my friends said. Then someday, somehow, if I still luckily to meet one, I will take it as the gift of God. A surpirse of life. Not everyone can have this precious gift from God.

Yes, "someone" can be "no one". It is not a must for everyone, it is a gift. If someday I am lucky enough to meet "someone". That is extraordinary.

My Love Life is a Tragedy

My love life is a tragedy. Well, not the ordinary one but with the black humor one. I somehow heard God is mocking at me, or maybe it's a must-go?

My love life has always been so dramatic. I am not surprised at all.

Friends said the screenplays of the movies are written after my stories, I can't agree than enough!

If so I should simply enjoy my love life as it always mocks me up whenever I complain about it.

The one I love doesn't love me always and the one who loves me is never the one I love. If he does, there is always something between us to tear us apart.

C'est la vie!

I believe God won't test me like that. Coz that's Satan's job.

Temptation is not everywhere, until you reach for it.

The evil power is always much stronger than we can imagine. People are just too proud and think it's under our control. But in the end it doesn't go that way as we thought always.

Never put yourself in the test and that's the only way to avoid from the evil power.

Satan is always waving his hand with the sweetest trap. Once you step in and there's no way to turn back.

I ain't not Saint either but I know I am not just getting older but also wiser too.

Oh my tragedy-like love life, may you rest in my arms and be my glory "herstory" someday soon...

Maybe I Never Understand What True Love Is...

Lately I've been reading a blog that was found online by coincidence and it really touched my heart. I really like her words...

The title of her Blog is "A Taipei Girl in Shanghai". She moved to Shanghai with her husband, and start her lonely housewife life in Shanghai. Her writing is quite beauftiful. And I found she's very observant, and some of her words really touch my heart.

Some said in some ways I am her, well, in the same situation. That's why I like her diary a lot. Maybe yes. Anyway, I am now a new little fan to her! I really wanna encourage her to publish her own book as she is a talent writer, but I found she's quite shy to the unfamiliar readers online from the previous message dialogues. So I decided to hide my feelings to her and be a "silent reader" and simply enjoy whatever she wrote.

I was quite touched while I was reading the interaction between her and her parents-in-law. I feel she's a person surrounded with love and she knows how to give and take as well. That way she express her feelings to the people around her is called "True Love" I think. That touching images she described illustrated a beautiful scenes that have never been showed up in my life... I am sure I've never been there.

Suddenly I felt quite lost and sad. I can't help wonder "Maybe I never understand what true love is..." Coz I grew up in a family and enviroment never giving and taking love. We never talk about love. Never know how does true love could be realized and interacted in daily life. Never know how to express love. This is sad, I even don't know how to cherish someone and tell him or her "I love you". Maybe I've never been in true love, and maybe all my past relationships are all just illusions through the years.

God, I wish I understand what true love is. Please let me know what does it feel like? Please give me the power to love and be loved, and know how to express them through you....

愛的十一分鐘 / 保羅柯賀。11 Minutes / Paulo Coelho

昨天夜裡在誠品看到了保羅柯賀的新書～「愛的十一分鐘」，讀到裡面的幾句話，似乎某個程度與我現在的心情相當接近、、、
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出生到現在，我一直將愛當作是一種自願奴役的行為。那是騙人的話：愛出現的時候，自由才會跟著存在。能完全奉獻出自己的人，感覺最自由的人，才是能夠全心愛到最高點的人。

能夠愛到最高點的人，才有辦法感到自由自在。正因如此，無論我體驗到什麼，做了什麼，或學到什麼，全部都沒有道理。我希望這段時間能快快過去，讓我重新開始尋找自己。找尋一個能瞭解我，不會傷害我的男人。

但是我真正想講的是什麼？心中有愛時，沒有人能傷害到任何人，我們每一個人對自己的七情六慾都要負責，無法因自己的感受而怪罪他人。

我愛過幾個男人，每失去一個男友，都讓我心痛。然而我現在深信，沒有人能失去任何人，因為沒有人能擁有任何人。

真正的自由體驗就是如此：擁有卻不佔有天下最重要的東西。

Tonight I read Paulo Coehlo's latest novel "11 minutes", there are some lines do touched my heart and I feel it reflects what I am thinking partially....

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Since I was born, I always thought that love is a voluntary slaving, which is a lie: When there is love, the freedom will come along with. The person who can devote totally, feel free most, is the one who can love to the top.

The one who loves to the top, can enjoy the freedom most. For that reason, no matter what I experienced, what I’ve done or what I learned, all nonsense. I hope this period of time will pass soon then I will restart to find myself. To find a man who understand me and would not hurt me.

But what I really wanna say? When there is love in heart, no one hurts anyone, we have to be responsible for our own feelings, and can’t blame on the others for our own feelings.

I’ve been in love with a few men, every time I lost my boy friend that breaks my heart. However now I believe, no one can really lose someone for no one never owns anyone.

The truly freedom experience is just like that: you do not own the most important thing of the world.

Trust is not what you say but what you do

Today there is a report from newspaper that a famous female movie star once was angry and flight with his movie star boy friend for his affairs with other actresses.

“Why don’t you trust me anymore? Why do you believe those paparazzi?” He asked.

“Trust is not saying by month! If you are approaching the other actresses with a clear, firmed and decent attitude, it will be my fault for not trusting you. But if you want me to trust you, just show you are worthy to trust!” She answered.

So, indeed, the real trust is not just words but the actual actions.

Good Intention Connects People

“Good intentions” is the most important factor to connect friends and lovers together. If there is not, then just walk out the relationship happily.

Our relationship is over, coz I don’t feel there is any good intention back from you. We both have the new people to meet and new life to go on. Nothing to regret or be pity for. Here just let me say thank you and goodbye with my best wishes for all the happiness and pain you've brought to me. They shall be parts of my life forever.

All my life is want to be a housewife

Whenever I told friends “All my life is to be a housewife.” And life just doesn’t lead me to that position. Seems no one believes it.

I had lunch with Leslie today and I told her this idea and she just can’t help to laugh and said “You don’t look like at all!” Ok, I had enough that klinda laugh.
“I do! Just check all my diaries from very little kid to now! I always wanna get married and be a decent housewife to take care the family all the time! It’s the biggest dream in my entire life! So that’s why I scare men away every time coz they all sense that while we’re just dating in starting few days!” I started to explain.
“You just look like a super career woman!” Leslie said.
”I know! That’s the problem! I always attract the wrong guys! They thought I should be very tough and independent in my career and it turns out I am such a little woman who wants nothing but get married and to be a housewife! So my appearance doesn’t really tell, does it?” I said.
“Alright! Alright!” She keeps laughing, and said.

After she knew that my boss gonna detach my department as an independent-run sub company which means I gonna be a “boss” in some way. She just reacted as everyone else and said “Congratulations!” Who knows I feel more frustrated and feel that my biggest dream is a bit far away more. All I just can say what you want more in life is always more far away from you.

But Leslie, in the end, brought up a very good idea to me. I told her:
“You know what’s my most idea life? I dream to be a housewife to take care of family and if I have the extra time from it, I really would devote myself to write columns and books. And you know one of my biggest dreams is to write a book in English! How nice it would be if I could do that!”
“Yeah, and I believe you will, honey. And when the day comes, you are just retired from some kinda position like a CEO of multiple-national company. Then you write a book with the title ‘All My Life is Want to Be a Housewife!’, that gonna make the greatest hit and be the best seller ever! See how big the contrast it is!” Leslie said and laughed.
I can’t help to laugh too now and replied “Yeah! And subtitle with ‘With the heart of a housewife to run business’ which gonna make a big hit in business book category!”

We just laughed and laughed even after we walked out the restaurant on the way back to office, this idea is hilarious but also definitely a brilliant one! I love this idea! Thanks to Leslie, it’s a goal ahead anyway. I like working with a goal and dream ahead! Ha ha!