People Won't Change

I am so happy that I watch the last season of “Sex and the City” and “Friends” tonight.

First, I really feel the same way when I watch SATC’s “The Domino Effect”. Everything just seems happened to me not long ago. Carrie cried for Big instantly when she heard he is going to take a heart surgery in New York. And Big seems open his heart again but soon he close it again after he gets better. It’s just exactly what it happened to me and Steve too. I just can’t help to cry when he told me he needs to take the liver surgery last year. I even have the determination that I would even donate my liver to him in any case he may need. He seemed getting better and changed a lot by saying something very touching after the surgery. I thought he really changed but soon after he just close his heart and went back to what he was as always exactly like Big. Chinese said “When the people are facing death, whatever he or she say is all with mercy and good intention from the bottom of the true heart” I guess that’s just the way it is. Everytime I cried for him I just knew there’s a sense of feeling that comes from my accumulating emotions for years. I want to forget it so hard meanwhile you just hope there is a miracle happens that he might open his heart again. But it just proves that, it’s always like a breeze that comes shortly then gone soon again. I would say the same as Carrie does “People won’t change.” Especially the person like he is.

And the plot of “Friends” tonite, Rachel is rather to say goodbye to everyone but to Ross in private. Ross yelled to Rachel, and Rachel later yelled back to Ross, coz he doesn’t know her heart at all. I just can’t help to think of all the plots are just like everything that had happened to us, which is just like yesterday once more.

Oh my god, what I am doing? What I just said to myself last night? Jacyntha just reminded me that “Get him out of your life! All you need to do is never to mention him again!” And I even added “Yeah, the people like them without heart and liver will never feel guilty and care how the others feel, so not worthy at all! Why should I let them stick around my mind always still?”

Well, well, if we all can save the happy memory only and get rid of those sad part automatically, how wonderful the life could be? I think it just takes time…

He Does Not Love Me Truly

It's been crazily busy but I still think through something greatly important.

I finally figure it out that "He does not love me truly." I can't help to think that he ever told me why he broke up with his ex. He read from all her reaction and knew “She doesn't love me truly.”

I've been thinking a lot at nights that he totally ignored how I feel and how much hurt I could have, than to be with "That bitch". And he even dared to call me and ask me out after all this and thought I have no idea about all of this. Now I really confirm that "He does not love me at all." I am so disappointed to this person from the very beginning to the end. He is super selfish and he always ignore how the others feel. And I've known this all along but I never look into this problem could leads to a serious outcome. I still remember when we broke up I told him "You don't know how to think in other's position." And he even dared to answer me "Coz we have different definitions to it"

The one who really loves you, will care about how you feel and think of you whatever he does in the very first beginning, and always put you in the first position. I've been waiting all the time and believe that "He truly loves me and care about me." And he just wanna play around and do't wanna be stable still. But the truth proves that all of that is bullshit, coz the one who really loves will never do that to you.

All our life time is looking for someone who has a good intention to ourselves and wanna be with us with mercy and kindness besides our parents. I have been doing it for him all the time and all friends are saying "He's such a lucky son of bitch but he never noticed that he had found one that we've searching for life time". And now it's time to stop crying and giving for him. The one who really loves me would never let me cry.

It takes me 2 years and more to realize it, and I should be lucky enough to think it over now.

I Kill a Crab Alone

It's a sad thing that you found after work you are all alone and no one can company with.

I've been busy and over working for past weeks since I started this new job, it's challenge but tiring as well. Leslie said that sounds nice that I am capable to develope both my full-time job and my personal business at the same time. Meanwhile I will be travelling to Las Vegas, and writing for both my own blog and columns for fashion magazines, also "meeting someone new". "What can be better than this?" Leslie said. Though Leslie has been praised me quite often with "what the great characteristics you have got and it's so fortunate to be your man!" Well, thanks Leslie but I think obviously it's not a certain proof to have a decent one.

I know all of this but when it comes to Friday night, I finally no need to OT, I called up to friends for hang out. And friends are all busy at same time. I even tried to beg them to come to my house that I will cook for them but it seems doesn't work. What a sad thing that even you have everything you want in life but no one can share! Vanessa said "You really need a BF to company with all the time!" Oh yeah, thanks for reminding, of course I need one!

So sadly I went grocery shopping alone on Saturday afternoon and bought the exclusive Chiangsu crab which it's right in the season. I cooked it alone and enjoy the the crab alone without sharing. It was nice to enjoy it all but still wanna share the happiness with someone.

I met Kitty online later, I told her about how I feel. She doesn't agree with me "what a prescious thing that no one will bother you during weekends and you can do whatever thing you want alone!" Well, maybe, but not always. And I said I feel like I live in a "Golden Lady Apartment" as an old mom and waiting for my roomies home every night in front of TV alone, she was laughing so hard. Just like last night, another lonely girl's friend called up and told me she wanna come to my place and watch "Sex and the City" with me then just rush to my apartment in minutes, yes, I was finally not alone, but I feel sadder to be in this kinda situation.

Well, C'est la vie! I know there's no sunny day forever and either the rainy day. So what can I do about it? Just let God lead me to the right kinda of my life!

Sleepless

I was sleepless last night, badly.

I have been OT for days and extremely exhausted, and I am in the intersections of job and love. Maybe because of the pressure makes me sleepless, and maybe the ghost of past is still hunting and chasing me as always...

Everytime I think of the scene, it feels like suddenly the whole world turn into the black and white, and he killed me with the sharpest sword and thrust right into my heart. Then I fell in the black blood of myself and still stared at this man that I was deeply in love for years. What an unbeleivable scene I never thought it could be showed up in the late night of my dreams. Pretty scary...

I know even there are new things ahead to disttract me but you can never deny what that had happened is a truth, a fact, a history. It will be there always. I know it is wasting my time to dwelling on the past but you just can't help. All I can do is pray to god for giving me the strenght to go on and think of it less and less day by day.

I miss the feeling of going home, the real home of my heart. I finally stop OT today and go home earlier because of I got the terrible headache all day long for sleepless last night. Being home is such a sweet thing. So I listen to Noriyuki Makihara's "After Calling Your Name" which is a masterpeiece for healing and get a sense of sweet feeling to be with someone really important home. I know I am missing you now...

Noriyuki Makihara's "After Calling Your Name"

Meet the New Guy

It is always nice to meet new friends. After weeks emails and couple calls, we finally meet in person for a cup of coffee in a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon.

He's gentle and very good looking as I expected, but that's not the point. He has a mind to the world. We talked through everything from Milan to Las Vegas, Brisbane to Dubai. It's rare for me to meet someone who's been to so many places and so familiar with the world around! The way he smoked and blowed the smoke out his month is sexy. His twisted lips with the grunge-styled mustache frame a interesting picture. He looks like a poet from the wilderness. He got a style but he seems doesn't know he's got a very strong calm personal style which is very attractive.

But the problem seems to be mine, maybe the way he acted got me serious. I have been blabla on some nonsense and serious topics. Well, he left first and I thought I might act very very unnatural to scare him away. Well, but who knows? Then I went to shop couple of magazines and the CD of Jane Monheit "In the Sun" alone. I arrived home in the evening and sent him a message with "So nice to meet you in person finally. Do enjoy your Sunday night! Yogi :)" as for polite. But did not get his reply until I went to bed, kinda worry if I did scare him away. He seems a very nice guy to me.

Last night I dreamed "that bitch" messaged me "I am sorry", which really surprised me in the dream. So as soon as I get up this morning I check my cell and see if the dream comes true. Then yes, I found there is a message, but it's from this new friend last night around 11pm that I was not awared "Pleasure to meet you too & hope you enjoy the coffee so you have a geart week". Well, now, at least I know he doesn't hate me! Ha ha! :P I suddenly realized, rather to induldge in the sadness from the past, better to meet someone new or concerntrate on something new ahead! Which is the happiness rule to the worldwide!

Listening to Jane Monheit's "Once I walked in the Sun"

I Wish You Love

How many times a heart could be broken? I suddenly wake up in the morning and cry.
"I am sorry" is the words I wanna hear from you most but I guess I will never wait until the day...
My heart for you has completely died. And here is a song for you...

I Wish You Love
by Ann Sally (Albumn "Moon Dance")

I wish you bluebird in the spring
To give you a song to sing
And then a kiss oh but more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade to cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health oh and more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree that you and I will never be
So with my best my very best I 'setn' you free

I wish you shelter from the stars
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when the snowflakes fall
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree that you and I will never be
So with my best my very best I 'setn' you free

I wish you shelter from the stars
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when the snowflakes fall
I wish you love